How could I be so heartless?

Look at me. I am only 20 years old and I cannot stand myself. I wish I could go back to the days before. I was only 5 years old. I was a poor innocent child and he stole that from me. This picture shows exactly what I mean. I posted it on the internet without my name on it because I was afraid he’d find me. Those are his hands holding the heart. My heart. I trusted him and he broke it. My dad always told Mom that he was not right. That she needed to divorce him. And she did. It was just too late. The damage had already been done. Those are my hands ripping my chest open because I will give my heart to any man now. I don’t care to give all I have to a man that will tell me he loves me. The first one stole it from me. There is a big empty black space where my heart used to be. That’s my 5 year old face on top of my body now. I wish I could be innocent. That’s why I painted my shirt white. Because white is a color that stands for innocence, I was hoping I could fool myself. I cannot. I will never be able to again. The dark forest behind me shows where it happened. One day, I was playing and then it happened. My eyes are painted dark because what is the point of showing joy when you have none. All of my joy is gone. The lines and design of this picture is very vivid because my memory is vivid. I made myself look the other way. I can’t bear to see the pain of him holding the only heart I had. I was only 5 years old. He forced me to grow up. To lose the pure childhood I had. I won’t forgive him until my day in court comes and I can see him in chains and shackles like he has put me in. I can’t form a relationship with a man. I can’t trust my friends. I go see my ther-rapist three times a week but it doesn’t help. All that awful man does is make me bring the memory back up. He made me paint this picture. I can’t do this anymore. I wonder if he noticed that there is a tear running down my left eye. Did he notice that my crimson lips are darker than my heart? There is not a five year old girl in the world who wears make-up unless it’s for dress-up. I never got to be a child. He stole that from me. He cut the space in my chest for my heart to fall. My blond hair shows how I used to be. I turned my hair black at the first foster home I was allowed to. That was about the fourth one. They kept throwing me out because I couldn’t trust the man that was living there. I am older now and I should be growing up. Getting married and having kids like the rest of the people my age are. But I just can’t. I have to learn how to trust a man before I could ever even start to have a life. My life sucks. This is not the first picture. This will not be the last picture. I thought of this when I was called heartless. I yelled and screamed before I realized I really was heartless. I had nothing to give because all I had was taken and stolen from me. I will never forget that night in the woods. I will never get past that night in the woods. I will always be stuck in the woods.

Are You There God? A Baby Needs You.

Dear God,
Save my best friend. She's only 16 and she's pregnant. Her mom would kill her if she found out. Her dad would throw her out of the house. She wears a True Love Waits ring. She's at church every time the doors are open. She prays at night and reads her Bible every day. God, she made a mistake. She said it was only one time, one time God! She didn't think it would happen to her. Her boyfriend and she just got caught up in the moment. It just happened. No one ever told her how to prevent it. They only told her don't do it. But God, she did. She wasn't trying to disappoint you. She knew it was wrong and she never did it again. But then two months later she knew something was wrong when... well, you know, you're God. She can't have a baby. She has a life to live. She wants to go to college. She wants to be a doctor. She is too afraid to tell her boyfriend because, God, you know his every desire, you know he'll leave her. Then she'll be alone and pregnant. She could give the baby up for adoption, but that would mean telling her parents. she would devastate them. God, You know the other option. you know the only way she can get rid of it. She knows she'll have to abort her precious gift from you if she wants to continue to be the person she is. God, help her. show her what to do. Show her that her baby has feelings and it can feel pain. it can feel when the doctor rips its limbs off its body and kills it. God show her there is another way. Please God, she needs your help.
Amen

Dear Child of Mine,
I gave her that baby for a reason. I have a plan. No test tube or doctor can actually conceive a baby. My hand has to touch that baby. I let a baby be conceived in a test tube. I am the one that puts the child in the mother’s womb. In my Holy Word I never say the word fetus. The stupidity of man invented that word. from the beginning I have always called it a child. From the egg and the sperm to the minute I call my child back home, it is always a child. Why would you ever think anything different? It is never any less of a child than a five year old who rides his bike for the first time. Men are stupid. They think they can control life. They can’t. I do. I know every life that exists. The doctor who would abort your friend's child, I gave him life. I gave him the breath to wake up that morning. I kept his heart beating. I gave him the hands that will destroy that child. But I gave him free will. He is allowed by me to go and kill that child inside the womb. the womb is a holy place. Never again in your life will you be safer. My hand surrounds that mother's belly when the baby is inside the womb. Does your friend know that when I placed my own precious son inside the Virgin Mary that she was only fourteen years old? She was just a child herself. Imagine if she would have aborted the baby Jesus. You would be on a one way trip to hell right now if I would not have given Mary that gift and she would have accepted it. I do not care what your friend's parents think. I don't care what her friends think. I know she loves me. That is all she needs. she doesn't need her boyfriend or friends. She needs me. Me alone. I will give her all she needs. Tell her to call upon me. "Call to me and I will answer and show you great and mighty thing in which you do not know"-Jeremiah 33:3.
I love you.

Dear God,
My best friend told me to call upon you. She told me she talked to you about me being pregnant. I am so sorry I disobeyed you. How could I let you down when I love you so much? Thank you for talking to my best friend. God, I don’t know what to do. I have sinned against you before. But this isn’t like those other times. This isn’t a little white lie. This is big. This will change my life. My mother will never look at me like she did. I have to go to that doctor. He has to abort my baby. I never learned how to prevent this from happening; not with mom, not at school, not from my friends or anything. I’m scared God. I am sorry, but I cannot accept the gift you’ve given me. I don’t care what this baby will become. I don’t care that this baby could be the one you give the power to cure cancer. I don’t care if my baby is supposed to be the president of the USA. I don’t care God. Why couldn’t anyone have just told me what to do? I am so lost and confused. Please never put anyone else in this situation. Please.
Amen.

Dear Follower,
I will try to help it so this won’t happen to anyone else. I will talk to your teachers and ask them to help. I will figure that out. Don’t worry. As for you. Do not abort my gift to you. Your baby’s life is planned out and mom, it will be amazing you’ll be so proud of your child. I can’t tell you what I have planned (no one gets to know). Your parents will live and it will all be okay. I am here for you when you need me. I’ve always been and remember I know everything about you. Every action. Every thought. Every mistake. I love you and I love your baby. I did not plan on abortion.
I love you

Dear teacher of young adults,
Why haven’t you taught about a way to handle teenage pregnancy? Teach them about sex education. They will never know how to prevent it if they never hear about it. Some parents don’t want to talk about those kinds of things so I will call you to. Tell them about alternatives to abortion and preventative measures they can take. Please tell them to wait though. I have a plan for them and their future spouse. They will never know unless they’re told. This needs to be taught in schools or there will be more helpless teenage mothers. This is your time to show them the way.
I love you, and I love all my little children

Salem Witch Trials... I'm next

as my heart races what do i think. i am not making that girls eyes burn, legs twitch, or make her go crazy. i love my God! i did not sell my soul to the devil. i cannot believe she would lie like that. who does she think she is! now I'm going to have to hang, or be burned because that girl accused me of being of all things A WITCH! I will never have a fair trial and i will most defiantly be killed all because of that girl who lied about the reason she was going crazy. WHY ME why did she point the finger at me. one day that girl will get what she deserves and it will kill me

-Sarah Osborn(a person accused of witchcraft and died awaiting trial http://www.law.umkc.edu/faculty/projects/ftrials/salem/ASAL_DE.HTM)

1st quarter reflextion

I've had many learning experiences this quarter. The thing i need to work on, mainly, is time mangagement. I need to pick and plan out what i am going to do and when. the only person i know who does this is angela. way to go girl. i have learned how to use complicated words in everyday language. the other day my mom used the word lethargic and i totally understood. I also have learned that showing and not telling makes a better story. i love the blogging because my dad in wisconsin and my grandma in colorado can see what i am doing even though they are so far away. they can see what i blog about. next quarter i will focus on not procrastinating and make a better grade.

Lit circle group

one intesting thing that happened in our lit group today is that the connection was made that in the book there is always a "mob" in every school. there is always a group that can mess around and cause distruction and do bad things b/c they are the "mob"

TEXT 2 TEXT CONNECTION

In the book Give a Boy a Gun , two boys (Gary and Brendan) decide they hate high school so much that they want to die and take the people who made it miserable for them with them. Brendan tells his friend Allison one day "There is no God." Allison says that most people would say I dont believe in God. Brendan said there was no God. No superior being that protects or watchs over us. We are just beings of this word.

In the book She Said Yes, there is an autobiography from the mother(Misty Barnall) of one of the victims (Cassie Bernall) of the Colombine shootings in Littletown, Colorado. The account given by Misty is that right before one of the killers shot her is Cassie said Yes. That was the last thing she said. They asked her "DO YOU BELIEVE IN GOD?" and Cassie said yes.

God is such a controversial issue. With school, friends, government and even Church. I think one of the reasons Brendan (and Gary) participated in the shooting was because they thought no one was looking after them, especially "GOD". In Colombine if Cassie would have said "NO" then she would probably not have been killed. She stood up for what she believed in and because of that she was killed. In ANY contriversal issue God plays a part. The two sides are always Christains and Nonchristians. School shootings are no different than the issue of abortion, gay marriage, or animal rights.

FLY

I was a baby bird
Breathing the crisp new air
Fearing the absence of Mom
Knowing I had to leave the nest
Spreading my fragile wings
stumbling over my tiny body

I succeed
I fly
I soar
I live

I am a determined eagle
Trying to find my lifelong mate
Wanting to make my future develop
Dreaming of my chicks to arrive
Searching to find the perfect home
Looking for my sanctuary to grow and mature

To raise
To imagine
To believe
To learn

I want to be a mother hen
Caring for my chicks
Seeing them grow up
Flying away from their nest
Helping them along the way

They’ll cry
They’ll fall
They’ll hurt
They’ll survive

I hope to become Noah’s dove
Carrying the olive branch
Guiding the lost in their journey
Floating away in the wind
Fading into the misty fog
Taking my memory with me

I will be remembered
I will be missed
I will be a legend